Returning from an epic adventure, and choosing to stay home from another, I find myself springing to life as the earth around me wakes up. I have a week until I return to work and am carefully curating a weeks worth of personal retreat time each morning as I set my intention at the little altar I have made in our living room. There I have gathered feathers, stones, bones and crystals, small trinkets, candles, my favorite photo of Isaac, his ashes, and some plant life. There I gather my thoughts and hold space for the past, the present and the future with fierce grace. I pray and sob and day dream there for a few moments of quiet and gather myself for the day that lies open like an unwritten book.
Today was the day to get the house back to the sacred space of a hard working man! It is truly an honor to care for someone who cares so well for me. Groceries and bedding and laundry. Also; a nap. Then a walk in my yard to take inventory of my projects amongst the things I nurture and that also nurture and sustain me. Raspberries, perennials, chickens, weeds, compost. A sweet pup who can never get enough fetching in nor exhaust herself on my love. She waits for me whenever I pause. It is good to love and be loved.
The sunshine warms me deep into my bones. I find myself singing and smiling and breathing into each moment with a spark in my heart. This trip we took to one of our favorite places invigorated me. Perhaps it is the grounding energy of the “emerald forest” or the savage and cleansing waters of mother ocean. Perhaps it was the enduring friendships that uplifted me far from my home. Perhaps it is time.
A week from now will mark 18 months without my beautiful boy. It is still impossible to fathom and yet, each day carries me further from any point I could have believed was possible; that I could survive, that life could be sweet. I’m not sure how, but I find myself living, in earnest, with more gratitude and grace than ever before.
I am learning how to sway, like the trees, rooted, despite the storms, taking in the life sustaining energies of nourishing sun and rain, holding my own even when I grow crooked sometimes, always reaching toward the light. This is all any of us can do, amen?
Sometimes I feel myself as a raging sea– quick to anger, impatient with myself and others. But conversely I find, too, that my heart is more open, compassion extends further, peace has more purpose, love has more strength. This is life.
Prior to this trip, my body had started growing thicker, heavy with the weight of grief, my mind had become a wilderness, growing more dense with the bracken of angst. I was struggling to love this emerging self, I was afraid. But somewhere along Highway 101 I felt myself familiar again. A glimpse. A good mirror that showed me all that remains beautiful within me and all that is still glorious in my innermost home, wherever I find myself. For so long I have thought someday I might be myself again someday, just around the corner. But now I see that is not possible. My innocence has been removed like a veil lifted. I thought this was sad but it is simply a sacred truth. I cannot return to the past, I can only sweep the doorstep and keep the door open to my heart. At home in the world.
If you are searching, I feel you. Keep this in mind and love…
Nothing lasts forever
No one lives forever
Keep that in mind, and love
Our life is not the same old burdenOur path is not the same long journey
The flower fades and dies
We must pause to weave perfection into music
Keep that in mind, and love
My beloved, in you I find refuge
Love droops towards its sunsetTo be drowned in the golden shadows
Love must be called from its play
And love must be born again to be free
Keep that in mind, and love
My beloved, in you I find refugeWithout seeing my love, I cannot sleep
Let us hurry to gather our flowersBefore they are plundered by the passing winds
It quickens our blood and brightens our eyes
To snatch kisses that would vanish
If we delayed
Our life is eagerOur desires are keen
For time rolls by
Keep that in mind, and love
My beloved, in you I find refuge
Beauty is sweet for a short timeAnd then it is gone
Knowledge is precious
But we will never have time to complete it
All is done and finished
In eternal heaven
But our life here is eternally fresh
Keep that in mind, and love
(Rabindranath Tagore, 1861-1941)
So touched by the poem. Wow. Really beautiful..thank you for your amazing lovely efforts to share such deep pondering and be an example on how to express gratitude for all of us.
I loved seeing your posts and smiles along the way of your journey and all the fun whimsical touches you added with friends and clues.
Deeply touched by all you put forth. 💗
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Love You💞
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