You are my Sonshine, my only Sonshine

As the dust settles
For a moment
I catch my breath
I close my eyes
I hold you so close
It feels like a hug
Thank you
I feel so much more than gratitude for you–
For the time you gave me
For allowing me to bask in your glow
For loving me as big as the sky
For calling me mama even if it wasnt cool
For being patient with me
For calling me your soul mate last Christmas (to cheer me up im sure… But still)
For showing me who i am
For helping me learn
For helping me with the dishes and the weeds in the garden
For walking with me in the woods
For letting me cry over beauty
For calling me hippie
For leaving your shoes on the porch so i could breathe
For protecting me
For needing me
For accepting me
For forgiveness
For humility
For compassion
For unequivocal humor–
And thank you for saying goodbye– i wish you didnt have to go– i wish you couldve believed me when i told you– always– and especially then, that we learn best from our mistakes– that i would always help you through anything–but thank you for allowing me some measure of peace however tragic, by saying bye for now– i am still in awe of your grace until the very end– i love you forever.. To infinity and beyond—


Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.


6 thoughts on “You are my Sonshine, my only Sonshine”

  1. Sweet boy, I too thank you, for picking my sissy InaBina to be your mama-true, & in so doing, blessing me with the greatest gift I’ve known – aunthood.

    I miss you, especially always.

    I have been wishing I was trying to figure out what to get you for Christmas this year instead of wondering how we’ll ever spend Christmas morning again.

    Jack, Aunt RandiLyn & I went to visit the memorial Avery made for you by the ball courts last week. We bounced a new five-pack of bouncy balls on the court’s surface, challenging each other to see who had the best arm (most height). It was always a close tie between Jack & Aunt RandiLyn. The sun shined brightly that afternoon, and we felt you there, watching over us – laughing along with us as we chillily spent moments laughing & bounding together chasing the tiny rubber balls. We left you a blue & white swirly ball & Jack wrote a little something just for you. We’re waiting for more snow so we can build you a snow man (wishing in our hearts that like in the movie Jack Frost, you’d come back to see us & maybe go sledding one more time.


  2. Your words leave me breathless. Your light leaves me warmed. You are an amazing and beautiful soul. All my love to you, sweet friend.


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