Bye For Now…

As most folks who know me could vouch for, I am a talker! SInce kindergarten, all my teachers would tell my folks at PT conferences “she visits too much with her neighbors”. Im chatty~ thats for sure. But I have found I cannot talk about all of this grief and loss. I cannot discuss my feelings. This is not like me at all~ I have been a serious-deep-end-of-the-pool-swimmer for many moons–but I just cannot seem to do it. I somehow keep putting on a happy face when I am out in public and mastering small talk, which I loathe. Its a bit absurd, actually. Im sure I have raised an eyebrow here and there~ Im sure I am totally bombing this whole thing~ Im sure there is an etiquette or a standard of conduct that applies even to this situation, but I wasn’t paying attention if it came my way.

Fortunately, I write, here, so it isn’t bottling up inside of me.  I also text my girlfriends, my mom & sisters, Isaac’s dad, & even Josh (who just LOVES texting) on occasion, an actual feeling here and there. I haven’t yet determined if it has the same effect of release, but, I do worry it has something to do with being able to edit, backspace, delete, if it isn’t comfortable. It is a strange sensation to suddenly find oneself emotionally mute. Ironically, I have a cold that has rendered me inaudible for 2 days. I try to be heard on simple topics with my husband and it just requires too much effort and a little pain so I have taken to writing on post its. Unfortunately, my cold fell upon the day of my first counseling session since before I left for CR. I was really looking forward to addressing this topic with my JoAnna. I was hoping to atleast come away with some understanding or tools for extracting some of the words that might help.

Whenever ANYTHING occurs, I see it as an opportunity to grow. Even if it is an undesireable event, I still consider its message urgent and designed for learning. An injured shoulder–listen to my body saying “enough”; a broken spigot in the orchard–pay more attention to the cycles of nature; hit a deer with the car–focus on what’s in front of you. So, even a cold has the power to get my attention. I cannot help but see that the message here is to really get clear within. The fact that I cannot find my words these days, and now I cannot speak them even if I wanted to, tells me that Im looking outside of myself for answers. My body is giving me the opportunity to see this made manifest. The work of true healing is not to jump up and down at each milestone and say “i’ve made it! Look!” nor to feel the external pressure when its a ten steps backwards kind of week. Im learning that the task of grieving and healing is to irrigate the parched and scorched earth that is the landscape of your soul~ to recognize the fertile valleys and create permaculture and wise systems of thought and behavior and action to get the whole thing working together symbiotically. I can’t do that if I compartmentalize, if I farm out parts of myself to others before I’m ready, if I try to be what I don’t have in me right now to be; someone who knows anything.

The truth is, my heart is broken. It is utterly broken. But, in sharing this, in blogging this, in our uploaded, immediate exposure society, Im finding that I feel a responsibility to make sure everyone knows I’m ok. And, I am ok. I’ve somehow survived what I believed was impossible. But my process of working through this is simply too intimate and too important to attempt to find words that are truly only symbols that I rack my brain in hopes to best represent how I am doing so that I can let everyone know I am ok. And it feels like, for now, I would be wiser & healthier and living more in alignment with my truth if I took a step back from feeling responsible for anything else right now, even just convincing others I’m hanging in there, and just harnessed all that energy for my highest good. If I took the lesson as it was intended for me, to be still…—As a young girl in sunday school I memorized many bible verses that pop into my head from time to time. Psalm 46:10 “Be Still & Know That I Am God”. I am listening to the voice inside of me that I CAN hear today, the one I can always hear if I just listen.

I truly value your loyal readership. When I’m ready, I will return. In the interim, I think I will defer to Dear Old Diary…. Be well, good people!

Love & Light Eternal~

Christina

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Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.

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