Easter, 2015

imageMy spirituality is so entwined with who I am that I cannot compartmentalize it as just one aspect of my being. In fact, it is only when I have tried to fit into a box of explanation or dogma that I felt a need to justify myself, and stumble in the effort.
I do not even know where “it” begins and “I” end– we are one; but I am not a devotee of an image of a man in a robe or on a cross, nor of a Goddess or deity. By default, and conditioning, I would say I relate to a conceptual image of God and Heaven when I consider them, but my daily peace, gratitude and devotion is not directed upward nor do I live in constant worry of the downward force “gettin me”.
I have memorized many bible verses from childhood. I have repeated mantras and affirmations at times of great need. And I pray frequently.
But it is a wordless and nameless essence that I give my deepest reverence. My faith in “it” can never be shattered, is without skeptisism & can not be separated from who I am. Even now, perhaps especially now, it is truly my saving grace. I am utterly and unequivocally surrendered to the teachings meant for my soul, insofar as when they appear, I know I must allow my intuitive comprehension to carry me through, even as rational judgement and even rebellion vy for my attention. That is the epitome of blind faith. Trusting in the deep inner calling despite enormous resistance. I would be misleading you, dear reader, if I said that I cultivate this through study or pragmatism– it is far less energy expenditure than that. It is not effortless surrender with any mystical ambition either. It is as simple as this: it is the only thing that resonates with me innately. It is effortless because it takes no effort at all to stay connected to the source of myself, the source of all. Some would insist in discipline and devotion. I am not here to challenge anyone’s belief systems and I do not have any answers for anyone else. If anything, this diatribe is a segue for the video Im sharing here and how when I found it, I thought at first how odd that this (spiritually/emotionally) is my direct experience, but upon deeper reflection, understood– understand– that intuitive wisdom is source wisdom and travels along the channels of energy in thought and action. Also, I never arrive and stay in one place or thought or belief– I am not truly rooted to a concrete or even tangible process of learning. I could never “teach” this or give advice on how to “attain” it. I didn’t “earn it” by being “good” or studious nor confessing all my sins. Some might say this is lazy faith or philosophy. I wouldnt argue with them.
All I know is there lives within me a deep and abiding sense of irrevocable trust that sustains me in the darkest moments that I cannot explain and will not question.

For it, I give thanks.

I have considered this deeply after a week of dreading Easter. It felt blasphemous to the sunday school good girl inside of me. But it had been necessary to my grieving process to identify clearly with myself where I stand– which started and ended in the same place, with a good look around in between.

My therapist, lately, has been suggesting to me to consider the possibility that my thoughts are not “wrong” that my experiences are not negative– “what if instead they are just what they are?” With this ideology at the helm, I am able to
believe that it’s ok not to suffer for my faith any more than life already promises us, in order to teach us, what we already know, but dont trust, is true.

This video is perfection:

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Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.

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