Eagle Ize

Your eyes were mine.
And Grandpas.
Big and brown and deep.
Since your infancy I stared into them to see you
To take you in all the way
To find myself
Reflected back
Always, they were open
Lit from within
They saw everything
Keen observation became a thing
Because of those eyes
Because they were watching
I watched myself closely
Tried to see what you saw
To make it pretty
–at the very least true
To stay open
To consider the view
To protect
To explain
To look harder
To try harder
To be better
To emulate your empathy
Your innocence
To comprehend your wisdom
To answer your questions
To ask my own
They were home base
Core of my truth
Reason to look
And never look away
Never avoid
Stay centered
To stay open
I look now
Into photographs
Into your eyes
For answers
For what was hidden behind them
For all that you protected me from
For all I missed
I wonder
When they closed
I try
To stay open
To see each happy memory
To remember each day I was gifted
With the blessing
Of those eyes
Those kind eyes
Those curious eyes
Those sad eyes
Those wise eyes
Those knowing eyes
Those cautious eyes
Those infinite eyes
Those beautiful eyes
Your eyes
My eyes
And Grandpa’s
To keep shining
Keep looking
To keep you
To find you
To see you
Reflected back to me

Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.

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