But here, too

My Son,

There is more to grief than ache.

Since you left, I have discovered a compassion in myself and others that was lying dormant, waiting for just this time to reveal itself.

A default setting.

When everything else is in flux, kindness is sturdy.

Because of grief, I have seen grown men tremble with sadness, their hearts broken open by incomprehension, a tenderness that does not fade.

Because of grief, I have witnessed stressed out mamas dig a little deeper and love even bigger; their own children and make room to mother and nurture me.

Your father and I have yet to leave each other’s presence without a warm hug and saying “I love you”.

Paco and I have reached a new level of patience and unconditional love for each other I only ever used to wish was possible.

Your friends have wrapped their arms and hearts around me and kept me in their circle, embracing adulthood carrying a heavy load with conviction to live big enough to take you along with them.

Folks who were strangers or peripheral acquaintances have stepped forward with open arms, wise words, sharing stories of courage and despair, unabashedly.

Our community has generously given time, prayer, trees, love, and money to help us and also to support the foundation we are creating in your honor.

Everywhere I go I find I am greeted and received with true love & deep caring.

I lost you, but gained a mighty army of prayer & love warriors.

It has humbled me to my very core, it has also changed my life.

In learning to let go I am also learning how to let in.

I am learning all that truly matters;
when everything else seems destroyed, love remains. Stronger than I understood and big enough to hold the vastness of the void your absence has created.

After you left, I felt certain that love was not enough. Love couldn’t save you, so it was insufficient. And now, here I am, proof that love is a force to be reckoned with.

There is more to grief than simply the aching of loss. Within it lies a place to rest & be still until you can see again, and then with new eyes, see the vibrancy in all things, the potent love spilling out from autumn leaves and neighbors hearts. Love all around. More love than most of us realized. More love than I think you understood there was for you, no matter what. But I think you see that clearly now, and I cant help but think you have orchestrated this grace that has come into my understanding, and not simply in the obvious ways. It seems just that you would be the one to bring this knowledge to me~ since I thought BIG LOVE was just for us.

I miss you. The leaves are changing and the colors are brilliant. The sun casts that very particular hue of amber light I have come to love.

You are always in my heart–

Mama

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Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.

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