The wonder of it all…..

I’ve been reflecting on the wisdom of intuition and the absolute power of love lately. They are remarkable human qualities and, because of this, I think we may become desensitized by their awe-inspiring ways by virtue of the flood of emotions they produce. Maybe it is even a coping mechanism, to not revel forever in the epic language of such potent forces. But the hum and the din of their machinery is impossible for me to ignore right now. They feel explosive~ a full artillery of love bombs and the wonder of knowing, at my feet like a mine field. Everywhere I turn I encounter a stunning moment of pure and beautiful love or recognition.

My husband doesn’t help, either, as his awareness of the big love invasion is keen and he will ask me if I noticed this and that or such and such. I sometimes have to avert my eyes or change the subject because the simultaneous awareness and perplexion overwhelm my senses and I go slack in the jaw and feel a little dumbstruck.

It isnt obliviousness, naivete, or optimism at work either. In fact, to be perfectly honest, Ive been feeling quite bitter and bitchy for a few weeks and, no one is more surprised than i am (except maybe Joshua) that I can see anything shiny or happy or splendid right now. (Im hopeful it is a necessary passing phase of anger/ loss of control. but, fair warning! I’ve been a little rough around the edges!)

I was recently trying to communicate this sensation of big love all around, to a friend. I couldnt find the words for it, but the closest I could come to it was the sense that I am sitting on an egg. I am hatching or perhaps being hatched? This probably reads absurdly. But it is a really big feeling and I simply dont have the words to communicate it. But I believe others are feeling it too. It is almost like a magetic pull. Im not even sure what I am being drawn towards! I only know that, despite my best defenses and resistance and holding on with all my might, that I am being pulled toward an invisible force and it feels like love and intuition do. that is all I know. Do you feel it too?

I was reading a blog the other day by a woman who lost her sister suddenly and how (i forget precisely what she said, but here’s the jist) that lead to some life changes initially but that she found as time went on, there was the strongest sense that change was coming without catastrophe as the impetus.

My hunch is that something opens up inside of us amidst the primal fight or flight response to death and grief, a portal to an expansiveness that is possible right here, in an ordinary day, in an ordinary life. For many many months I have continued to see an image of little girls playing jump rope and I am on the side waiting to grow the courage to jump in; for so long I belived it was calling me to join the living again, to live. But I am beginning to sense there is more to it than that. Or even, possibly, less, as in– more simple, less metaphor. That I am already in it, and of it, and surrounded by it.

My instinct had been growing to isolate and feel disconnected by what has happened to Isaac. With certainty, over time,  I have witnessed the dis-ease and discomfort settle into me and become a part of who I am “now”. It has felt counter intuitive but inevitable, like a seeping. Calling me away from love and peacefulness into disconnectedness, with the compelling allure of solitude and rest. And I am not hard to coerce into comfort seeking or alone time, even in the best of times!

This was different. I felt I was being brainwashed, by myself, or by depression, or by fear. And then the reports on the horrific water situation in Flint came to light, the poisoning of children by our elected state government and I went over the edge. I just lost it. My mom was having some health issues and innocent people were being lied to and mistreated and I. Lost. My. Shit.

I started to crave an opportunity to just stand near a quarry and scream at the top of my lungs, into the abyss, for… forever. That was all I kept dreaming about, wanting, yearning for. My grief was so big and so unbearable and I couldnt handle any strife; mine, my moms, the children of Flint Michigan. I couldn’t find a purpose to any of it. My heart was always racing. I was going off the rails, on the inside. Trying to pull off that I was alright on the outside.

I was certain–absolutely certain that I was not equipped with the necessary skills of survival in this world and I didnt know what the fuck to do about this truth.

And then, all of a sudden, as if on cue at the last possible moment before I imploded, I was struck with a sense so completely that it was not immediately clear what hit me. But I have come to understand that it is love. And I mean–unconditional, human to human, we are in this together and you have never been perfect but that has never mattered, love. I mean–things look crazy from every angle but one thing remains true to the end kind of love. I mean– and I mean this, love that infuses your bones and your words and your silences and fills you up as you look around at all the brokeness and still see beauty kinda love. I mean barn burner love–love wins at the last second love.

And I cant explain how it shifted my course; it was like a loopty loo, imperceptible head back the way you came because this is the wrong way sister kind of shift. No bells or whistles. No smack across the head. Just a sweetness that entered back into my awareness. And that is when I understood, again, for the gazillionth time, who should lead and who should follow in this dance of life.

Love. Infinite, Unconditional, Inclusive Love and Only Love.


Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s