Warriors Reminder

Isaac visited me last night, while I was fully awake & feeling as though it was time to pick up a daily devotional book that I had not been able to for awhile– wasn’t ready. But, as it was May Day, May first, I thought of new beginnings and, the need for support. I opened it to May 1st and found the last Mother’s Day card he gave me. To say that I was moved would be an understatement…

Our family had been through some challenges from fall of 2013 through the spring of 2014, as Josh and I took some time apart to face and change the ways we had been showing up to our marriage. With the dawning of spring, we were coming back to a state of grace and we were all feeling the sweetness and celebration of having seen each other through these important growing pains. For example, I was learning how to deal with uncomfortable emotions in a more healthy manner, how to express frustration, manage chronic depression, and become less co dependent. Fun stuff.

After sitting with this card from him, and recalling that time, I went on to read what May 1st had to tell me in the book. It was perhaps not entirely coincidental, because of the fact that it is spring and the themes of renewal are easily paralleled, however, it was so strikingly similar to the blog post I wrote on Saturday, that I felt the goosebumps rise on my skin:

Josh was snoring so I smacked him 😜 and as he stirred awake and got up to use the bathroom, I took this opportunity to share this with him, and we both say with it together, in the quiet. As he fell back to sleep, I sat there thinking, and then heard Isaac speak directly to my heart about this. It was…brutiful. Brutal and beautiful, as Glennon Doyle Melton says. It had taken me a long time to get healthy after a long battle with my head. And I ran out of time to show him everything I was learning, though not for a lack of conviction in my efforts. 

I can face this with my head held, if not high, atleast upright, and facing the light. While I ran out of time with Isaac, it seems the one thing I can do is continue on my own path toward liberation from the shackles of shame & remorse, for him, and for myself.

I feel like saying I love you, right now, to anyone reading this. I love you and I love us. And we aren’t perfect and it’s ok. But let’s keep going and growing. Let’s not stop when it hurts. If you can do it, I can do it. And vice versa. Shine on.

The Warrior’s Reminder by Erykah Badu
I am awake

My mind is free

I am Creative

I love myself

My will power is strong

I am Brave

I practice patience

I dont judge folks

I give not to receive

I dont expect

I accept

I listen more than I talk

I know I’ll change

I know you’ll change

I’ll hold on one more day

I start over when necessary

I create my own situations

I am cosmic

I dont have the answers

I desire to learn

I am the plan

I am strong

I am weak

I want to grow

I know I will

I take on responsibility

I hide myself from no one
Im on my path

Warriors walk alone

I wont let my focus change

Taking out the demons in my range…

Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.


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