Leaning in to it.

13007314_10209327333524238_3319067608238425840_nBeen thinking about those who feel sad this Mama’s Day weekend. Women who can’t get pregnant or who have had miscarriages, women waiting on a long adoption process, step moms who don’t get credit, Moms who’s children aren’t speaking to them, women in custody battles, women who’s children are missing or far away or sick, Children who’ve lost their mamas, and of course, us mama’s who have lost their beloved child(ren).

I’ve always loved this day since becoming a mama. I’ve never felt it was a silly made up holiday, or frivolous in anyway. My first was spent with both of my grandma’s, my mom and Isaac’s great grandma on his dads side. It set the bar high for the sacred feeling of joining this club. And they always got better every year, because Isaac was the sweetest little boy and young boy and teenager and young man on “my day”. It is still so dear to me. Last year no one let me feel the void for too long while i was questioning whether or not I was still technically a mama, so much love and kindness shown to me. And now this year, today at least, I just feel a deep fondness for the beautiful memories I have of Mama’s Day and motherhood itself. It was truly the most joy I’ve known to mother my beautiful boy, and I’m humbled and grateful for the time of my life, so I’m leaning into the love rather than the despair of this weekend.

My wish for all mama’s this weekend is that you can feel it all, breathe in the smell of their hair if you can, savor their smile, laugh as hard as you can with them, tell them how much you adore them and how much they mean to you and how unequivocally unconditional that love is. Thank them for giving you this day and live it up with them. Squeeze their hand, hug them long, and let them love you back. I hope you will do it for yourself, for your kiddo(s) and for all of us that cannot, and feel how truly happy we are for you, because we are, I believe anyway, deep in our bones happy for you and happy to see you giving what is most sacred to us; mother love, no matter where we find ourselves today, I for one, am so happy for you and wish you a truly happy mama’s day.

A Little Song I’m Singin Today:

Chico Gospel by MaMuse

There was a time I believed
Life was over for me
There was time I believed
My life was over
I feel strong today
Thanks to your help
I’ll find my way and
I too will lend you a hand
When you need one

Chorus:
Sometimes I get so down
I feel like
This the end
Like there’s no way in hell
I can get over this mountain
The sun has come out
Beyond the shadow of my doubt
I am walking on this earth
Stronger than ever

There was a time I believed
There’d be no love for me
There was time I believed
I’d get no lovin’
I feel love today
Thanks to your help
I’ll find my way and
I too will lend you a hand
When you need one
(Chorus)

There was a time I believed
There’d be no money for me
There was a time I believed
There’d be no money
I feel rich today
Thanks to your help
I’ll find my way and
I too will lend you a hand
When you need one

(Chorus)

There was a time I believed
There’d be no peace for me
There was a time I believed
There’d be no peace
I feel peace today
Thanks to your help
I’ll find my way and
I too will lend you a hand
When you need one

(Chorus)
I am walkin’ on this earth stronger than ever
I am walkin’ on this earth stronger than ever

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Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.

1 Comment

One thought on “Leaning in to it.”

  1. Thank you so much. I’ve been ‘leaning in’ to aching for you all day. Lately I have felt Isaac “checking in” as if to see if you – and we – are all ok. And to remind us not to forget the thing he temporarily forgot. It occurs to me that you are being the same grateful and reassuring mamma to Isaac on the other side as you have been on this side. Still being present to the treasure of his gift and allowing his spirit to bask in the warmth of bringing you joy on Mother’s Day 💕

    Like

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