Heart of Gold

Ive been thinking alot about all the things I want to always share and remember about Isaac. It may be an ongoing list here on the blog. So many things come all at once its hard to get them all down! This beautiful boy was truly loved and keenly observed by this mama– always with fascination and wonder over the miracle that he came from my belly into the world with a heart of pure gold & a spirit that will always shine on.

Isaac was fully alive. He was tender. Isaac was bright. He had a broad vocabulary from early on and the ability to comprehend as well as question deeper truths. He was always such a good boy~ he really enjoyed pleasing others, making them happy, lessening their burden. He could sit for an afternoon with an elder and truly listen and engage as well as comfort. He was respectful~ he understood this as a character trait and it was important to him to cultivate it. He felt every person deserved respect, without exception. Isaac was empathetic and kind. Not just nice or polite, but truly invested in other people and their well being, and attuned to their immediate needs in a conversation, and able to deliver appropriately from a deep well of emotional intelligence. Isaacs humor was his favorite part about himself. he loved all things funny and laugh inducing. he loved most being the one to make others laugh. For as long as I can remember, Isaac loved being funny. While he never seemed cynical or snobby about it, his thirst for comedy grew and grew and so, you had to keep up to entertain him!!! 🙂 Isaac was gentle with animals and children. to see it in action is breathtaking. they flocked to him. since he himself was a toddler~ he was always very present and available, he would always find a way to reach any temperment or personality. He would actually say, even at 18, how “cute” something/one was, or “so cute i can hardly stand it”~ often~ he was always falling in love with a pet or a little kid or an elderly person. He loved the underdog, in sports as well as in humanity. In sports, while he gravitated toward champions as role models, while he understood statistics and logistics and probabilities, he simply rooted for the underdog. with friends, he was always bringing home the kid who needed love, the kid who needed a good friend, who needed to feel important. Sometimes I would suggest maybe he could spend time with someone who didnt need so much from him and he would get really ticked off at me–
I never once heard Isaac complain or even acknowledge any notions about being a giver or about “giving more than he got”– he gave purely and without hesitation.
Isaac was strong and brave an resilient. He knew life could be hard– had been through challenges– and was always encouraging me or anyone going thru a tough time with patience understanding wisdom and love.
Using examples from his own experiences on how to push on.
Isaac loved love. He was its number one fan. He loved to give it, feel it, share it, be it.
I believe isaac actually enjoyed, bot just endured, time with me. Yes, less than i did. 😉 and yes, lessas time marched on. But we enjoyed each others company. Alot.
Isaac was multidimensional. He was layers upon layers of beauty and complexity; he was happy and introspective, he was excited about his future and felt pressure to be perfect and make the right choices now, he questioned authority and was polite to elders coaches mentors teachers. He could be slow to move and quick as lightning. Isaac loved food and music and comedy and sports and his family and his pets and his friends. He loved sporty video games– im not sure i ever saw anyone beat him and usually his friends would beg for a little mercy. He was a thinker, he was thoughful, he was vast. He was infinitely kind and could also be tempermental. He could be sharp witted and sharp toungued. He wasnt afraid of admitting when he was wrong or scared. He could be hard on himself sometimes but always self aware enough to learn from a mistake or apparent set back. He knew he was cute but was humble about it & believed there were more important qualities than appearances. He could be lonely at times and other times need alone time– he was brilliantly splendidly perfectly imperfectly human. He was a kid. He was just a kid. He didnt have all the answers. He was revered by me but truly, truly i encouraged him to just be true to himself and not look out so much for me or others. Before all this my biggest worry for Isaac was that he would put the needs of others before his own and not place enough value on his dreams and desires and explorations. I feared he would always have “a little eeyore inside” as i called his wistful melancholy that seemed more a side effect of empathy and preternatural world weariness for the suffering of others than self loathing or self destructive–
My biggest worries for him, 2 months ago, were drunk drivers, mean people, rip tides, the blues, pressure/ stress (that might cause him a sleepless night or an ache in his heart)….i worried about if i had done a good enough job preparing him for his future, i worried about the choices he would make about health and safety…

Im distracted. It is late. This may be continued….


Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.


4 thoughts on “Heart of Gold”

  1. Our sweet old soul, that dear one, Isarelli. You’ve captured so very many of his myriad qualities. Thank you dear Mama. Thank you for your words. He lives in on in each of them – vibrantly, poetically, beautifully – just as he lived.

    I’ve always liked to think that Papa (grandpa Kochis)’ gift for wry humor, wit & a love of the intellectual & funny lived on through Isaac. From his very earliest days of reading, Isaac’s joke books kept all of us in stitches, as he learned new favorites to share with whomever would listen.

    These days I notice Isaac’s beautiful traits in others, & I delight in the moments when I can comment on the connection – it warms my heart up like hot chocolate, & right there, like he’s standing there with us, I see our sweet boy – that little smirk, his little giggle the one from the back of his throat that would make his eyes squint & usually, his eyes close a little bit. Love you Mama-true. Love, Love, Love you.


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