Raison D’etre…

Josh (my husband) is the most ambitious person I know personally. He is wired this way; his brain is nearly always in download mode. He gets so excited about ideas/projects/possibilities that he cant sleep.
So it comes as no surprise that yesterday he came home from work, where he gets paid to be an idea factory, that he was stoked.
I had spent a good portion of my day quite sorrowful. I have days like this and days that are better and it seems like I take a step forward and then two steps back. But, I was genuinely interested in his enthusiasm, as a supportive wife and as one who, historically, is his “muse” (so says he).

He said “im so excited about the future!!!”

I got quiet and, as I have (finally) learned to do over time, thought about what I was feeling before speaking. I recognized that I have no excitement, that I am merely exisiting. In that moment, I could accept that this was natural for a grieving parent. It was also clear to me that merely existing would never be enough to get excited about. And it would require more, much more, to thrive. And It was painfully clear that this is the true work of healing from the loss of your reason to live…

Rather than respond with inadequate words, i pulled him close to me for a hug and i let the tears do the talking. He loves me. He believes in me. We both know it wont last forever; this agony.

I have always been passionate. The week Isaac passed away I had planned a pow wow with a PR Wizard to launch a new idea for another small business. I was always dreaming up innovative ways to combine my passions & be of service, self sufficient and design multiple income streams.

I dont know whats next for me. I do feel like my full time job is healing. And for now, thats the most important work I can conceive of.

I will be spending the month of February in Costa Rica, a gift from my sister and her husband. I have vacillated between feelings of regret (leaving Josh) and the memory of my week there with Isaac two years ago– of feeling sad and feeling sensible. Last night, after Josh (finally) fell asleep, I had a feeling akin to excitement about what I might be able to accomplish in CR. Radical self care was the only thing on my list– but now there is the seed of more…

There is a growing drumbeat just off in the distance– i feel it entering me– though I am lost in the woods, i am close to the source of myself, of all that is. I know there is power in my heart– i sense that my true compass contains wisdom beyond my clearance level 😉 . For now, feeling the echoes is enough, an anchor, a belonging place awaits me while I fumble in the dark.

Again and again I find that my hope is my salvation. My root. All my life I have asked “what am i to learn from this” — always an understanding beyond understanding–

I know in my heart– in the bones of my heart– that I must not merely exist– I know that I must find my reason to come alive again.

Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.


2 thoughts on “Raison D’etre…”

  1. So happy, CM, to hear you’re going to Costa Rica. Along with all the glorious memories of your last visit, I’m sure Isaac will leave signs for you to continue healing. Love you!


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