50 Shades of Gray….

I was not a perfect parent–
I didnt always do my very best
I made alot of mistakes.
I was impatient.
I yelled.
I was overprotective.

I was grateful to have one more year with Isaac at home because I learned alot over the past year that I wanted–that I needed to keep showing him & sharing with him; and corrections made and lessons learned and unlearned.

There were moments as a mom I felt like I was in over my head.

There were personal challenges that made me feel inept as a role model at times.

I questioned myself almost daily as a mom.

I often believed someone as special as Isaac deserved– needed– a stronger, saner & equally amazing parent than I was capable of being.

I loved him. I told him a hundred times a day. I apologized when I was wrong or mean or made a mistake. I thought I could ensure an unwounded future man– not by being a perfect parent but by trying to be honest and humble about my shortcomings, about lifes realities. I always tried to see his side– tried to remember being his age, tried to be a good person to him and around him– but i was human and failed sometimes and i was not always just a sweet mama.

PLEASE DONT TELL ME ITS OK.

I know it is ok– or it is what it is. It would be ok if he were here or not. No one is a perfect parent. I get it. Im just trying to balance the scale a little. Working it out in a blog, and just trying to keep it real.

I feel like it is important to reconcile all the truths swirling around. I loved my son AND i was not always awesome at being a mom– i mourn this loss AND feel relief that he is safe from a banal world–my son was special and sweet and kind AND committed suicide–it isnt– doesnt have to be either or, one or the other, black or white. Theres a whole lot thats gray.

My growing sense is that there must be room for all of these truths for wholeness to be sustainable. If I did not allow myself to consider the All of This, how could I even trust in a wholeness that could deny any part of my story? Or Isaac’s?

I think healing includes tough truths because the goal is getting stronger, and you must step out of your comfort zone to build strength.
This doesnt mean being a bully to yourself–on the contrary, it requires gentle persistence. Room to weep. And space to just look at it all.

Im trying to take it all in. All of it. Im keeping my heart open even though it hurts.

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Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.

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