Finding My Rhythm

Death conjures us to wake from our delusion of control over our our most basic need, our very breath. It rustles us from the deep sleep that dreams us into believing that loss is unique, that once it happens we are safe from future loss, beause the reality is, everyone dies. Everyone. Its going to happen– and it’s actually more amazing that these tender hearts and fragile bodies survive and endure life for so many of us for so long–

It can cause great fear and worry knowing death is so near– or we can recognize our precious,ephemeral, once-in-a -lifetime opportunity; to live each day we are given in such a way that honors the intention of the gift it is.

Last night, and not all night, but last night, I danced. Our dear friends, The Knights, came up from Detroit for a visit and we spent Saturday frolicking around the county before landing at The Cabbage Shed for dinner and live music. While visiting with many others who were out listening to Graham Parson’s & The Go Rounds like we were, I had a couple moments of overwhelming emotion. I stepped outside frequently to clear my head and I knew I had a very clear choice and right to go home and crawl into bed so I could think about my tangled ball of emotions– the highs & lows of them that always bring their buddies the rights wrongs shoulds and shouldnts—you know– Those Guys.

Everyone I was with would have completely understood if I had called it a night. Just as everyone who loves me would understand if I fell into a pile of bones on the floor & never recovered from this ache. But more than grief, atleast last night, atleast for a little while, there was joy. So I danced. Because last night, I remembered, Im alive.

Published by: christinaryanstoltz

I write to touch the supple center of unguarded ache~ To release myself from the pressure of not knowing how to move forward from the unfathomable loss of my beloved son, my beautiful boy Isaac, to suicide, of not knowing how to release my grip on of the past, both the worshipping of it as well as the beating myself up for it, and letting go of the need to know what I could’ve done or what on earth I will do now. I write to heal.


4 thoughts on “Finding My Rhythm”

  1. I read your posts and am amazed at how open….and strong you have been. I’m so happy you were able to find some joy last night and danced. It’s one day at a time…maybe even one hour at a time….but you will slowly find your new normal. Enjoy your time in the sun!


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