How are you?

Im hangin in there.
Im doin alright.
Im takin it one day at a time.

Thats the good girl answer I give in the grocery store.

Heres the truth.

I find myself lost more often than not.
I “come to” gazing out the window, staring into a photo, standing in the living room with absolutely no recollection of how long I’ve been “out” or what got me there.
I am tongue tied and struggle to speak the right words– and I do not mean “adequate or articulate”– i mean literally, the wrong word comes from my mouth, several times a day.
I cannot make simple choices; which coat to wear, which utensil to eat with, what time I can meet, which gas station to use.
Im confused, frequently. Agitated, lost in deep thought, and weepy. I recycle thoughts from the morning of October 25 trying to find the loophole that will dissolve all of this.
I sleep with Isaac’s favorite childhood stuffed animal that he still at 18 kept in his room. I cant sleep without it in my arms and for the first few weeks I just wanted to carry it with me all day.
I sit and think alot. I lie down and think alot.
I feel alot of internal pressure to be more productive. But i cannot imagine being accountable to anyone on a regular basis. I keep the house clean and josh and the animals fed– that is my goal each day.
I write or paint somedays. I go to therapy every week. I visit with friends and family on weekends.
I take walks with the dog. I scream into the cold sky. I barely notice the world around me and yet i know that it has resumed the activities of daily living, while I live in a fog.
I am able and more than willing to laugh, engage, talk about your grandma or your husband or your root canal. I have less of a filter than I used to. I worry about dying more; you, me, my dog, my parents.

But i also remind myself as often as the bad thoughts come that I cannot change the outcome of the story of Isaac and i remind myself often that i already know what my life looks like when i play the blame (myself) game.
And try to choose better now that i know better.
I think, with what is almost like excitement, about what might be next, someday, for me, when this pain is more manageable.
I take alot of deep breaths that help reduce my anxiety and calm myself down.
I remember that I was very blessed with an extraordinary boy for 18 years and now i believe with all of my heart and soul that he is off doing beautiful things worthy of his warrior heart.
I spend more time outside which i love more than anything else but didnt always make enough time for, before.
I think about gratitude more than i used to.
I am more open and more patient with my husband. I feel more present with my niece and nephew.

It all changes as quickly as a memory. Somedays, some hours, some breaths are better than others. Thanks for asking! How are you?